A Leap of Faith

The rainy season has come to the fair lands of the Philippines at last.

Looking up to the sky, I can only imagine the hot sun shining above all the dark clouds and I think about how wonderful it was to have felt the warmth of the sun against my skin in the summer.

But I remember a somewhat painful memory and I begin to wish that it was summer again so that I may change what I did.

Last summer on a very hot day, we - my cousins, my father and I decided to go for a swim in the river Mampurog. It was also my cousin's last Sunday at the countryside and she had hoped to go for a swim at the river. Everyone was so excited. We had fun even though there were just five of us, that is, before I ruined everything.

You know how people would jump in to the water? My cousins loved that and naturally they did it several times from a tree nested near a cliff. It looked like fun to me and I wanted to try it.

But right then, when I was about to jump. I froze. I couldn't jump. I saw my cousin in the water cheering me on but I couldn't.

Other people in the vicinity started to take notice. They too started to cheer me on or more likely they just thought it was entertaining. Everyone shouted at me to take the plunge. But all I could do was ask my cousins if it was deep enough... If I would be safe. They insisted that I was going to be but I found it hard to believe.

Was it my fear or was it that I did not trust them?

Many I believe would say it was the fear. I believe it was both.

I have always known that I was the type of person who would never get in to situations without knowing that I'll get through it. I made sure that everything I did was for sure.

I was afraid that I would get hurt. I was afraid that the water was not deep enough that when I hit the water I would hit a rock and fracture my legs. I was afraid that I was going to jump the wrong way, hit my head and die.

I felt that I had no assurance of what to become of me once I hit that water. I felt that my cousins' words were not enough assurance because I felt that I could not trust those words.

But the truth is, I cannot bring myself to trust anyone's words anymore. In the end, I couldn't make that jump. And as I passed through the spectators, one lady asked me, "why did you not jump?" All I could say was, "...because I could not see..."

The whole event seems like a little thing. Aside from embarrassing myself to a bunch of people I didn't know, it was and still is a big thing to me. I don't care that I disappointed my cousins and father, much less do i care about what those spectators thought about me. I care because I disappointed myself and finally realized what a horrible person I am - not because I was afraid but because I could not trust anyone to help vanquish that fear.

As I look up at the dark sky, I am anxiously waiting for summer to return - hoping that by then I could make that jump... hoping that I could take that leap of faith.

Blue Skies

The soft wind brush against my face as I run through an open field. With one hand firmly holding the string of my kite, I run faster and faster to make it fly.

And it does.

So I stood there, wearing a big smile on my face and avoiding the stinging rays of the sun as I look up to watch my kite soar through the sky.

But I see it. So wide... So clean... So unbelievably perfect. I couldn't help myself but stare. I let my body drop to the ground. I unconsciously let go of my kite and I did not care! The blue sky was so enchanting that I just wanted to lay there forever. Watching... dreaming... hoping...

As I stared at the sky aimlessly, I began to realize how awfully small I am compared to such an infinite beauty. It made me think how big the world is and the endless possibilities there are. But despite it's grandeur, it did not intimidate me in the least. One the contrary, it motivated me. The blue sky inspired me to be part of the big world - to somehow make my mark as a person, to be remembered by someone.

I was alone on that field that day. But I kept thinking maybe somewhere there's another girl laying on her back astonished by this wide blue sky or maybe somewhere there's a boy who let go of his kite because he looked up and saw his kite drown in the beauty of the sky.

Blue skies - so beautiful, so seemingly infinite, so seemingly perfect. You can't help but fall in love with it!

Blue Skies - Susie Ariloli

Out of boredom, I recorded this video a couple of months ago. I uploaded it in Youtube, got my friends to see the video and one my best friends, Josce told me in her sarcastic tone how it wasn't obvious that the song was dedicated to my boyfriend Darren. Yes, ladies and gentleman I am glad to announce that I am now in a relationship. Regardless of what my friend thinks, this video was and still is not dedicated to him. But I would really like it if people would comment on the video. Something constructive I hope. Thanks!

Saturday Night Live - Sarah Palin and Hilary Clinton

TIna Fey as Sarah Palin and Amy Poehler as Hilary Clinton in a Saturday Night Live (SNL) episode ranked highest among others since 9/11, according to news reports. Their performance rightfully deserves such an honor. Tina Fey's astonishing resemblance to Republican vice-president nominee, Gov. Sarah Palin and how she completely copies her Alaskan accent made the skit effectively funny. That is of course, accompanied by hilariously witty lines created by the talented writers of the show. Amy Poehler's performance as Hilary Clinton was more or less at par with Tina Fey's impersonation of Gov. Palin.

A job well done to SNL!!!

Moving On: The Classroom

One.. Two.. Three... Four...

It was the fourth drop of tear from my eyes that I tried even harder to stop the tears. I didn't want anybody to see. I didn't want anybody's sympathy.

But I couldn't stop crying... Crying silently... Yet each drop of tear felt like I was screaming...

Mr. Ungriano's story about a girl who lost her mother to cancer opened up the feelings that I've been keeping inside. Although our circumstances might not be completely the same, the more important aspects of our stories are - our mothers, the cancer, the secrecy, death and the excruciating pain.

I wanted to rush out of that classroom and cry my heart out. All the memories, the things that I wish I could have done for her while she was still here and the wonderful moments we would never share just came rushing into my head.

It is not easy to handle the death of a person who was there every step of the way to cheer you on, a person who understood you the best, a person who nearly died giving birth to you, a person who wanted the very best for you, a person who unconditionally loved you like no other does and will ever do, and a person you had hoped to give the same level of happiness as she did for you.

Unfortunately, that chance is gone. No more birthdays to celebrate together, no Christmases with her delicious cooking, no graduation with her clapping, no wedding with her wise words and no more days with somebody to tell your deepest darkest secrets (the type that you can't even tell your friends).

Perhaps at this point, you might be wondering why I am telling this story despite my statement earlier of not wanting sympathy. That hasn't changed. I am merely saying this because I can't do anything else but think of her. This is the only way I know that will help me overcome the sadness of not having her around and the loneliness of knowing there will be no other like my mother.

Pathetic it maybe to you of how it seems that I'm a mama's girl. But believe me I never was, atleast I thought I wasn't. I guess, the little moments that seemed unimportant to me before are now accentuated because it is no longer the same.

Yes, I'd probably get used to it because what else is there to do but move on. If I continue to dwell in the past, it will ruin me and the wonderful future that my mother had helped to build for me.

But, I will always look back... Because by looking back, I'm more motivated to move forward. I might not have realized this when I was in Sir Ungriano's class but I do now. My mother wanted me to be there in that classroom - to listen to lectures, to participate in discussions, to learn from learned people. By being present in that classroom perhaps I could move on.