The rainy season has come to the fair lands of the Philippines at last.
Looking up to the sky, I can only imagine the hot sun shining above all the dark clouds and I think about how wonderful it was to have felt the warmth of the sun against my skin in the summer.
But I remember a somewhat painful memory and I begin to wish that it was summer again so that I may change what I did.
Last summer on a very hot day, we - my cousins, my father and I decided to go for a swim in the river Mampurog. It was also my cousin's last Sunday at the countryside and she had hoped to go for a swim at the river. Everyone was so excited. We had fun even though there were just five of us, that is, before I ruined everything.
You know how people would jump in to the water? My cousins loved that and naturally they did it several times from a tree nested near a cliff. It looked like fun to me and I wanted to try it.
But right then, when I was about to jump. I froze. I couldn't jump. I saw my cousin in the water cheering me on but I couldn't.
Other people in the vicinity started to take notice. They too started to cheer me on or more likely they just thought it was entertaining. Everyone shouted at me to take the plunge. But all I could do was ask my cousins if it was deep enough... If I would be safe. They insisted that I was going to be but I found it hard to believe.
Was it my fear or was it that I did not trust them?
Many I believe would say it was the fear. I believe it was both.
I have always known that I was the type of person who would never get in to situations without knowing that I'll get through it. I made sure that everything I did was for sure.
I was afraid that I would get hurt. I was afraid that the water was not deep enough that when I hit the water I would hit a rock and fracture my legs. I was afraid that I was going to jump the wrong way, hit my head and die.
I felt that I had no assurance of what to become of me once I hit that water. I felt that my cousins' words were not enough assurance because I felt that I could not trust those words
.
But the truth is, I cannot bring myself to trust anyone's words anymore. In the end, I couldn't make that jump. And as I passed through the spectators, one lady asked me, "why did you not jump?" All I could say was, "...because I could not see..."
The whole event seems like a little thing. Aside from embarrassing myself to a bunch of people I didn't know, it was and still is a big thing to me. I don't care that I disappointed my cousins and father, much less do i care about what those spectators thought about me. I care because I disappointed myself and finally realized what a horrible person I am - not because I was afraid but because I could not trust anyone to help vanquish that fear.
As I look up at the dark sky, I am anxiously waiting for summer to return - hoping that by then I could make that jump... hoping that I could take that leap of faith.
